Cheats

What a week.  Last week was just crazy, but I was happy that I still lost two pounds and decided to go shopping to get something to wear to Jonathon's graduation from ERT.  That was a huge mistake.  Five pounds was not enough to make me have a good shopping experience.  I came home still having no idea what I'm going to wear, and feeling like a giant whale who will never look good in a pair of skinny jeans again.  I tried really hard not to "eat" my feelings, knowing that it would only make me feel worse in the long run, but I gave in.

Let me back track.  Monday night was my cheat night.  I was craving spinach dip with pumpernickle bread and chicken fingers for some reason.  So I got that and a bottle of white wine for a new sangria recipe I wanted to try.  Well, what a flop.  The spinach dip was gross (it was Renee's....I thought everything by Renee would be awesome but apparently not), the chicken fingers were just those frozen ones, so they didn't fulfill the craving, and the sangria was gross so I could barely drink any of it.  The only successful part of the "cheat night" was the ice cream with brownies and hot fudge.  Delish.  No way around it.

So there was ice cream and fudge left over which is what I drowned my sorrows in last night.  It was funny though, because half way through I felt gross and disgusting and threw the rest away.  It's amazing what two weeks with little to no refined sugar will do to your body and your taste buds.  I have been getting my "sweets" from fruit like pineapple, apples, bananas, etc.  The pineapple especially is very sweet!  When you eat refined sugar after only eating mother nature's candy for a couple of weeks, you realize how digustingly sweet it is.  So.....I have learned a lot about myself through this experience.

1) If cheating doesn't feel good, don't do it.  There are times when you have to give in to cravings, but don't do it just because.
2) Sugar detoxing wasn't as hard as I thought it was, and I have way more control of my chocolate cravings now.
3) Eating bad food to make myself feel better doesn't work, it makes me feel worse.

This post would have been a lot more depressed sounding and self depricating had I not waited a day to write it.  Fortunately I am blessed to have an amazingly supportive husband who is so wonderful.  Also, I kicked ass on my run this morning.  I started out by running 1 km without stopping.  That is a big milestone for me.  I don't think I have ever done that before.  It sounds so insignificant when I compare it to my friends who just did their first marathons and half-marathons in the Ottawa Race Weekend, but to me, it's huge.  I really pushed myself and made myself proud.  So, because of that, this was a learning experience instead of a "I hate myself I'm going to give up on weightloss forever and just drink beer and eat chocolate forever" kind of experience.

PS This girl is friggin awesome.

Progress

OK, I know I just posted last night, but this morning I weighed in, and I have lost TWO MORE POUNDS.  I am really happy about that.  I have lost 5 pounds so far, and 10 pounds since Wyatt was born. I am one pound less than when I got pregnant with Wyatt.  It might not sound like a lot, but check out this pic:

This is what one pound of fat looks like.  Ew, but wow.

Anyway, I'll take this moment to share some personal info.  Before I got pregnant with Wyatt, I had gained a lot of weight, like I described in my my previous post, "The Skinny on Me Getting 'Skinny'", I gained 35 pounds since the time I got married.  What I didn't explain, was that I actually lost 25 of those pounds before I got pregnant.  Unfortunately, my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage after only 6 weeks.  I gained 10 pounds while I was pregnant and didn't lose it before I got pregnant with Wyatt.  So that is why my "pre-Wyatt weight" is still 20+ pounds away from my goal.  When I got pregnant the first time, I was 10 pounds away from my goal, then I gained 10 pounds....so yeah.

Anyway, this week felt really tough, with my two bad runs, and working 6 shifts in 7 days...4 of those overnights, I didn't think I would get 'er done.  BUT....I still managed to get my 3 runs in, and ended up having one of my best runs so far.  AND I lost two pounds.  If I can get all that done in a week when I'm working 6 of 7 days, I can do A LOT more this week when I'm only working 2 days! YAY!

Week Two Wrap Up

Well, I'm happy to say that after my two horrible runs this past week I got a lot of encouragement from people whose opinions I really value when it comes to fitness.  That was just the thing I needed to motivate me to try again for my third run of the week.  I went out on Friday, telling myself it was ok if I couldn't do exactly what my running program wants from me.  I didn't want to set myself up to fail.  My goal was to try the "run 2-walk 1" rotation for as long as I could (I'm supposed to do 10 sets) and then switch to 1-1 when I couldn't do it any more.  I'm VERY happy to announce that I did all 10 sets no problem.  I was soooooo pumped.

Couple things I learned this week:
-Run in the morning before it gets too hot
-Tinted moisturiser looks really weird when you sweat it off
-Don't pick up overtime overnight shifts when you're already working 5 shifts in a week

Speaking of sweating, this is what was going through my head while I was running in that terrible heat!

I'll be updating again tomorrow with my weigh-in update!

Week Two Blahs

I have to start off by saying that week one was awesome.  I pushed myself, ran farther and faster than I ever have, and to top it off, I lost 3 lbs!!  Also, I felt better about myself because I was actually trying.

Week two so far, has been a different story.

I woke up early on Monday morning so I could do my run before going to work (this is unheard of for me....one of my biggest excuses for not exercising before was that I was working and didn't have time).  But my run was TERRIBLE....I felt tired and my legs and feet kept cramping.  Not only that, but I was so supposed to increase my times from "run for one, walk to two" to "run for two, walk for one"....yeah, that lasted for like, 5 sets.  It was terrible.  Anyway, I wrote it off as off day and said, I'll do better next time.  So today I went out, but I had to bring Shooter and Wyatt....(stroller and dog on a leash, not fun)....and it was just as bad if not worse than Monday.  I went for a longer run, but really, we should call it a walk.  My calves were cramping so bad I could barely run for a minute at a time. UGH.

So, it's a really good thing I started this stupid blog and bragged to my husband about how I'm going to run a 10k because I definitely can't give up now!  If I do, I will just prove to myself and everyone else that I never finish what I start when it comes to my fitness goals.  So, what's really making me feel better is the following:

So yeah, I'm feeling terrible about my run/walk, at least I'm not feeling terrible about NOT doing it.  Right? RIGHT?!  So when it takes me 2 hours to finish my 10k, at least I will have finished it....RIGHT?  *sigh*  It's just that I'm not a runner.  I've never run before.  So I don't know if this pain in my legs in normal.  It's not even shin splints (those I can work through)....it feels like a charlie horse is forming or something.  So if anyway knows what this is and can tell me, hey just work through it, you'll get stronger and it will go away, I could definitely use the encouragement!

Another thing that makes me feel better is that I have been eating really well.  My work place has a lot of temptations all the time.  Muffins, donuts, cake, etc etc.  ALL THE TIME.  On Monday there was a giant chocolate cake and muffins (you know, Tim Horton's muffins that are 440-460 calories EACH).  Yesterday there were timbits.  I didn't have any.  I have to give myself props to that.  Also, Sunday and Monday night my sister was eating my favorite ice cream.  Presidents Choice "Lots of chocolately peanut butter chunks".....it's the best.  I didn't have any.

Lastly, I'll finsh by showing you all my little project.  I got all the supplies at the dollar store (glass jars, rocks, stones, and stickers) and the whole thing cost $11! 

I started off with 5 rocks in the pounds lost jar because I wanted to include the weight I've already lost since Wyatt was born.  It made me feel better than looking at the empty jar.  So there are 8 rocks in the pounds lost (3 from last week) and 28 rocks in the pounds to lose jar.  In the "My Runs" jar, I put a blue stone for every time I go for a run.  Each stone equals a dollar.  When I run my 10k, I get to spend it all on something I want....not something I need, something I want!  Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say.  Hopefully my Friday run will be better and I can start off week 3 all gung-ho again.  Fingers crossed!

Excuses

Today I really didn't feel like doing day two of my running program.  I went to bed after midnight (long story) and Wyatt decided that 5:30 was an appropriate time to start his day.  I was SO TIRED.  I knew I had to do it though, this is only day three so I can't give up yet, but I really didn't have any intention of pushing myself.  So I started out feeling good.  I'm supposed to run for one minute and walk for two (three times this week - next week we move on to run for two walk for one, I'm scared!) but I figured since I was just starting out I could run for two right off the bat.  So I did and then continued with my regular program again.  At the end, I decided, hey I'm going to finish strong, I'll run for two again.  When I reached two minutes I was feeling good so I thought, hey I'll do three.  I got to three and kept going, thinking, maybe I'll make it to five!  By the time four came around I was thinking, well, four's a good number, no shame in stopping there.  But then I thought, no this is about pushing myself and I did five.  So I did 4km in 34 minutes.  Running for five minutes without stopping might not sound like a big deal, but it is a HUGE deal to me.  I have never really run before.  Anyway, I found the following photo on pinterest and I thought about this guy A LOT on my run.  Every time I felt like stopping, I thought about him.  Love love love it!

The Skinny on me getting "Skinny"

WARNING: This entry contains graphic photographs and self deprecation!

Exhibit A - Summer 2004

I realized I didn't clarify something.  I don't want to be SKINNY.  I want to be fit, healthy, thin, strong, happy, and in-shape.  But for the sake of simplicity, let's just keep calling it skinny.  There is such a thing as too skinny.  See exhibit A.  That is a photo of me 8 years ago, when I was just 20 years old.  Oh how time flies!  The craziest thing about this photo to me isn't how much I have changed over the last 8 years, it's the fact that back then, I actually thought I was fat.  I hated my tummy, thinking I had a muffin top.  W....T.....F!!!!!! So yeah, this is not my goal.  But it's good to remember where you came from.  So, in the spirit of laying it all out there, I have gained 50 pounds since this photo was taken (actually more, but I lost some of it - baby weight ya know).

Exhibit B - May 15,2012

I'm now going to get to the scariest part of all of this.  My dreaded "before" photo (Exhibit B).  My sister took these pictures today and they almost sent me into a deep depression.  When I look in the mirror on a daily basis I don't see what is in those pictures.  I hide my body pretty well with the way I dress it, so I feel like I don't look that bad.  Once again I'm going to lay out the disclaimer that I know I am not obese, but I am overweight.  This is about my story and my journey, not about me judging anyone else who is my size or bigger.  But I look at this "before" photo and I see an overweight person.  Like, if I saw me walking down the street with my husband I would think to myself, "Wow, how did she get so lucky?"  OK, I wouldn't, because I'm not as critical of other people as I am of myself.  But sometimes I worry that people will see this tall, strong, handsome fit guy next to his fat wife.  So, I decided not to let these photos depress me, but have them motivate me to push harder.  I'm going to print them and put them in my bathroom, on my fridge, etc.  Any time I don't feel like going on, I'm going to look at that photo.  I'm going to say to myself "Do you want to eat that cookie, or do you want to be skinny?  Do you want to lie on the couch instead of running, or do you want to be skinny?" Anyway, I have to say it has taken me a lot of courage to post that photo.  It's horrible and I hate it, but I can't hide anymore otherwise I'll never get it done, I know me.  So this is me.  I need to lose 25-30 pounds.

Exhibit C - July 2006

My goal is to look like I did when I got married (see Exhibit C).  Once again, I stupidly thought I was fat (because I was a whole 20 heavier than in Exhibit A).  I guess right after this is when I started my downward spiral.  Jonathon left for Afghanistan less than three months after we got married.  It was the most stressful time in my life by far.  I have never experienced anything so hard in my life and I probably never will again.  When I am stressed, I like to eat, and drink.  Wine was flowing, fries were frying, and somehow, we made it through that nightmare (I'm only talking about my experience, it was MUCH worse for him....and now that I'm a mom I can also say it was MUCH worse for his mom!).  Anyway, I gained 10 pounds while he was away. He didn't seem to mind, he was just happy to be alive and home again.  I thought to myself, ok now that he's home, I don't have to stress, I'll lose that ten pounds.  Instead, I kept gaining.  I gained a total of 35 pounds from my wedding weight.  Ew.  I really wish I had enjoyed how great I looked back then, rather than spending all that time thinking I was soooooo fat.  Because look at that picture, I look great, and I can say it now because I'm not there anymore.  But now that I've been where I am today, when I get back there (yes WHEN I get back there) I will love my body because I won't have such a skewed perspective!

So, day one was yesterday and I did my first day of my running program and it was horrible and wonderful at the same time.  I hated running, but the endorphins were amazing and the weather was beautiful.  I can see why people get addicted to endorphins.  What an awesome feeling.  It's like your reward for hard work!  Then I got home and did some lunges and squats and Wyatt was laughing at me because it was so funny!  Today I focused on upper body and abs.  I found this torturous move called the inchworm which made my abs burn for 3 days the first time I tried it.  Today while I was doing crunches, Wyatt came up and put his head on my tummy for a hug and then started laughing really hard when I was coming up.  Then I did push up and he did the same thing on my back.  So cuddling and working out at the same time?  BONUS!

In closing, I want to share a hilarious photo that describes my feelings exactly:

So all you ladies out there who think you're fat, please please please keep this in mind!!!!!

Last Day

I've decided today is my last day being fat.  Really that's not true, because I will still look the same tomorrow, and the next day, and probably next week, and the week after that.  But today is the first day in a long time I am doing something about it.  As embarrassing as it is, I feel like if I do this publicly, it will keep me accountable and force me to keep going.  I often do this.  I get all gun-ho about losing weight, and I lose 5 or so pounds (of water weight) and then I slip and give up.

Here are the things I'm doing to motivate myself:

-Keeping this Blog (obvs)
-Training for a 10k.
-Find fun, interesting stuff on pinterest
-Weekly weigh-ins
-Finding a bikini I want to buy and taking a picture of myself in it NOW

If you have any ideas for me, let me know!!

I have to give a disclaimer.  This blog isn't going to be about my negative self image.  I know I'm not FAT.  Yes, I have extra weight I need to lose.  Yes, I don't look like I did when I was 19.  But the point is, I'm not happy in my body, and I'm not in shape, I have no energy, and I just really don't feel strong.  Plus, my husband is so fit and in shape, it's really embarrassing to stand next to him. 

So anyway, I want to lose 25 pounds.  Well no, I want to lose 30 pounds, but I'm being realistic that in the last five years (including a baby) my body has changed enough to give me that extra five pounds! So if you want to follow me and help keep me motivated, by all means, do so!  And if you want to follow me and motivate yourself, PLEASE!

Stay tuned for my "before" photo.  Yes, I am posting a before photo.  That's how serious I am.